Alright, it’s time for a serious re-evaluation of my future: here are the facts:
1. I am a Songwriting Major, and a Creative Writing Minor
2. I love writing and performing songs
3. I love writing novels
4. I think I can get a job doing either if I try
5. I have a limited amount of creative energy
6. Ash and I want to raise our kids in Lamar, CO
7. I think it would be nice to begin having kids within the next 5 years
8. I might like to teach Writing at LHS and/or coach and/or run a youth or music program at a church and/or head up some high school organizations in my spare time
9. I have high ambitions, and don’t plan on leaving Nashville until they are accomplished
10. I will graduate from college in approximately 1 year
I’m sure you can already see some problems with these statements. I’m sure if I really tried, I could write both songs and stories, and make a living doing both. But not in Lamar. In fact, the truth is, if I plan on returning to Lamar, the Music Business is almost out of the question. I guess that now, after being married and considering the prospect of children as an actual reality, I have finally opened my eyes to the blaring contradictions staring in my fact the whole time. Curse naivete! — Even despite how naive I shall seem to myself a year from now. It just might be my undoing.
So after considering all these options, I realize with a sinking stomach I am now facing that which people have long told me I would one day face — a decision, a polite decline to one of these things. Since I obviously cannot have all of them, I must decide carefully which one(s) to give up–presuming that with the least amount of statements I have to give up, the easier my decision will be and, hopefully, the more fulfilling my life will be.
I realize straight away the obvious choice (especially for people like my grandmother). Scratch number 9. With number 9 out of the way, I can return to Lamar, get a job teaching, write on my own, and raise kids and live happily ever after. But the truth is this–going back to Lamar is the same as admitting defeat with my writing. Nothing will come of it there. And although I do desire to live a simple life one day, I do not want to return to such a life without living out my ambitions first.
Another option is to scratch number 6. Why must I raise my kids in Lamar? Or scratch number 7. Why in 5 years? Firstly, I absolutely refuse to raise my kids in a big city. I do not need to explain why, as I have been around many people raised in both rural areas and large cities, and I have formulated my own opinions on such matters. It comes down to the idea of what I deem is absolutely best for my future kids, and that subject is of great importance to me. Scratching number 7 is a bit more valid–it only deals with a certain amount of longing and homesickness, which are easier dealt with than strong convictions about how to raise kids. Still, I would like my parents to be alive when my future son or daughter is playing high school sports (or acting in plays, or singing in choir, or whatever). And on top of that, I am not sure if Ashleigh really enjoys being here, and I know her parents are pressuring her go back also — which makes me wonder if there was ever any faith put into my writing abilities at all…
Another one might be scratching number 2–forgetting about songwriting and focusing on novels (as I can write those from any place I like). To tell you the truth, if I were to turn in my most recent manuscript and a publisher picked it up and it gained a lot of momentum that earned me a reputation, I would probably start looking for houses in Lamar immediately, and write songs from then on only as a hobby. But how long would that take? How would I know when to go? And would my craft of songwriting (the very subject I’m earning a COLLEGE DEGREE in) go to waste, unused?
It seems I have a big problem indeed. Out of all possibilities, the ones listed above are the only ones I could really imagine in which only one of the statements must be crossed out for the rest to work. Perhaps, in the end, a way will open up, but right now it looks a lot like a big sloppy mess–one that I’ve no doubt constructed with my own ambitions. I have nothing left to do but to wait and see.
